We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
