Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
