the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
