He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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