I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
