gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
