Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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