You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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