I'm going to jail i love you
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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