He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
