You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
