My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
