Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Green mimosas i think yes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
