People in love make me want to vomit
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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