I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
