***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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