do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
