also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
