New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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