No stitches, just platelets and will power
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
