she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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