hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
