I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
