I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
