she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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