wanna go halves on a baby?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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