At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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