I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you inspire me to be a worse person
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
