I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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