I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
