Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Houston, we have a squirter
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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