im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
