Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
