I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
