took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
