all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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