Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
