I can text with my tongue
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Are we still banned from the library?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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