I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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