my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
