I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
