I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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