Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
