There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
