Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
