did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
