I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Even my vagina gasped.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just gargled with NyQuil
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
