I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
