I wanna passion pit in your ass
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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