im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
