Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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