i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
