i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
