Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You've changed since you got that strap on
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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